I haven’t done a me-post in a while. Mostly, it’s been just pictures and random stuff. But right now, at 3:47 am, I am sad and cannot sleep and for those reasons, I will write.

In my boredom online, I stumbled across a picture of words someone had written. It was about seeing something (a post, a status, a picture, a text, etc.) that killed us inside. Broke us. Completely ruined our day. Something that we read accidentally that changed everything in a matter of a few seconds. I thought about how many times that has happened in the past. I remembered my stomach sinking every time, my face suddenly becoming sad or unreadable, just becoming completely numb or unable to do anything else but focus on whatever that was, not being able to move on or reply. It fucking hurts. It makes me want to cry or scream or throw things or say and express all the words and feelings that come at me so suddenly. But I don’t. I can’t. For some reason, maybe because it’s happened so many times, I don’t acknowledge any of those urges. I become laid back and almost a go-with-the-flow, whatever type of person. I say ok, it’s whatever or something along the lines of that to show on the outside, that I am fine. Inside, however, I am dying. And no one knows, or at least, no one seems to care.

Then I read another post soon after and it was about someone’s first kiss. It made me think of you. And our first kiss, and everything between us from there on out. Our first kiss was not cute or romantic or anything special. We were drunk. I guess our crushes were becoming apparent and it just sort of happened. You were being as gentlemanly as possible and not taking advantage of me in my drunken, sleepy stupor. So thank you. I know I was very drunk but I still remember. It was dark, I was sleepy and lying on the floor, there were noises from our friends in the other room and the light to the kitchen was on, my big bottle of Dr. Pepper and vodka was sitting next to me and my red cup of Burnett’s was in my hand, you were making sure it didn’t fall over. I kept saying I’m so sleepy, I’m so drunk and other ramblings. You said Jordan, I really like you and I don’t want to take advantage of you but I really want to kiss you, will you please sit up? I did. We kissed. I laid back down. I remember we talked more and drank more. Then, as per usual in my stages of drinking, I got less sleepy and got more into party-mode. I drank more. I sat on the kitchen floor with friends. We went downstairs. Your friend embarrassed us. We kissed more. We were interrupted several times. After that night, everything went so fast. All of a sudden we were together, more and more. That sounds like I minded it; on the contrary, it was my favorite thing. Months went by and we started growing apart, physically. You ended it. Over Facebook chat. Day ruined. When I came home I asked if we could hang out and talk, you said “we owe each other that much.”

Now, at this point in my post, I don’t mean to get all bitchy-screamy, but I’m sorry, I didn’t owe you jack shit. YOU ended things. YOU were avoiding me. I was willing to try, I was willing to keep going and at least be friends. YOU were the one throwing these other girls in my face. So no, I don’t think I owed you even a talk but I fucking missed you and I wanted to see you. And what did you do? Told me I was too far and that this couldn’t happen. We couldn’t happen. Then you decided it was a good time to make out with me. And stop abruptly and say that you get too attached and that this was hurting you. FUCK YOU. You don’t think that hurt me? You don’t think I got too attached? Well I did and it fucking did.

But I couldn’t yell at you, couldn’t cry, couldn’t say no, we can make this work. I became numb and said whatever you want. 

All that happened and that’s not even the thing that upsets me most. What upsets me most is that I still want to be friends with you and talk to you but you can’t. Yet you continue to throw these girls in my face and avoid me. But I can’t just say that you are because you’ll just reject anything I have to say (or you won’t even respond). And now I can’t even slut myself around and not care because I don’t know what you want or what you expect. Not like I can ask you.

That was pretty specific, but fuck it. You know who you are and I didn’t really go into depth about a lot of things but this is just what I thought about in the early hours of the morning when I was drunk but not sleepy. Now, for anyone else still reading this (you should be given cookies, hugs, and medals), this boy isn’t bad. Nor was our time together bad. It was actually very nice and he is nice. Again, these are just my thoughts and feelings right now. I started this off thinking I was going to write about how I missed our first kiss and how different things would be if it didn’t happen. Truth is, I miss you and I wish you would talk to me so I can figure things out. But if you can’t, and this never gets resolved, I understand. I’ll get over it and I won’t worry about it again. Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

okbye.